Questions!

I've been struggling quite a bit lately...so many questions in my life as of late.

-Why do I feel so unhappy all the time?
-Why do I loose it with my kids over almost everything?
-Why do I have NO patience with Jim, the person who loves me most on this earth?
-Why do I not want to be bothered with "things"?
-Why am I distant and disengaged?
-Why am I unhappy with so many things about myself?

If you ask Jim, he would say I have a touch of "depression". I don't think I exhibit all of the characteristics of depression.....but why do I feel all of these crazy things? My life is wonderful (I can recognize that)! God has blessed me beyond anything I could imagine and beyond anything I deserve! I AM SAVED! So, why, oh why am I feeling all of these unbelievable feelings that are so hard for me to explain and so embarrassing to even discuss. Most people would probably roll their eyes at me and ask me what I have to be depressed about. And, they would be correct in that observation. So, that brings me back to the diagnosis of "depression"...is it controllable? uncontrollable? chemical? physiological? psychological? a choice? a mood? a mindset? I can tell you this.....it is a word I never thought I would use to describe myself.

So, I've been struggling to decide if I should really see a doctor? I am not a fan of medication, period. I believe in my head and feel in my heart that my faith should pull me out of this...and that this is just a "season" in my life. But, these feelings have caused me to feel more distant to God than I ever have......since He saved me in the Fall of 2002. Why does God seem so distant in a time when I feel so alone? I've often felt like it is because of me...something I've done. Is it the sin in my life? Is it because I have not been in His Word as often as I need to be? Is it because I am not living as a disciple (a witness) for Him? I don't think these things are true because I know God loves me and has already forgiven me for these things because of Jesus. So, I continue to go round and round with my questions and my rationalization yet I feel frozen to change or pull myself out of this.

When this "season" in my life passes I will give God the glory. He is the only one who can heal me and mold me into the person He created me to be.