Brutal Honesty

I'm about to be brutally honest here. God has really been working on me, my heart. I often talk about God, how I strive to follow Him, live my life for Him. I post stuff on facebook that speaks to my heart. I try to share my faith with my friends. I do this because I love Jesus and I desperately want others to know Him. He changed my life 9 years ago and I will never be the same. But, here's the deal. I am not perfect. I have some major things I am so ashamed of. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. So, that is why I am writing this. I don't want to be that way. I want to be honest, real, and share that just because you follow Jesus does not mean everything is perfect. So, here is the truth. I do not give my husband very much (really, ANY) grace. In dealing with him, I often use anger to address whatever it is we are facing. It hurts him and I'm sure it hurts our kids. Actually, I think I react to any kind of hurt or disappointment with anger. And, I know that must break God's heart. The thing is....I don't think I've really handed this "issue" of mine over to God even though I've tried to convince myself that I have. It is clear that I cannot do it on my own. And, just when I think I am handling it the way God wants me to, BOOM, I'm back to my old ways again. So, I am here to "confess" this and hopefully avoid the hypocrisy that is so damaging to God's name. God never called me to be perfect, that is totally impossible. And, He didn't say it would be easy following Him. But, He did call me to recognize my "sins" and turn from them. And, that is what I am choosing to do. Once and for all, I am turning this over Him. He knows better than I do that I will NEVER overcome this on my own. I'm too hard-headed, stubborn and strong-willed....(not virtues I am very proud of by the way). I'm sure the road will be bumpy, but when I overcome this with Jesus' help, Jim will get to see God up close and personal. And, he deserves that. He deserves way better. And, just so we are clear....I know God wants to help me conquer this more than I want to do it myself. Stunningly, He loves and forgives me regardless. That's the kind of love and grace I want to show Jim.